that the impeachment trial is over, we need to be healed. I propose a government-funded
12-step program, to be called Republicans Anonymous. The purpose: to help die-hard rich,
white Republicans rejoin the human race and become a born-again Democrat.
RA would provide a forum where recovering
right-wing Republicans overindulging in subpoenas, witch hunts, fascism and Clinton penis
envy can tell the story of their addiction and the depths to which they sank. RA members
would invite others to admit their addiction and begin the road to recovery.
Imagine a meeting opening with Henry Hyde, a House
Manager, speaking: "Hello, my name is Henry Hyde, and Im an impeachmentholic. I
couldnt start the day without watching CNN or MSNBCs coverage of the
impeachment trial. And then I would want more. I had to have another witness, another
"Soon, I couldnt stop. I had to have
subpoenas all day long. I hid them in my desk drawer, and then I just went down the street
with them. More subpoenas, impeachment, Conviction.
"I wouldnt admit I had a problem. I
began thinking that without impeachment and conviction this country wouldnt be worth
defending anymore. But now, I know I am an impeachmentholic."
Good boy, Henry, thats the first step to
Apologizing to everyone whos been wronged by
RA members would be one step to recovery. Imagine all 13 House Managers becoming
born-again De-mocrats. Perhaps, theyd form a musical group, singing their theme
song, "Im sorry, so sorry ..."
The federal budget surplus could stand a few
hundred million dollars for TV spots getting those impeachmentholics into the program, to
break the cycle of addiction and prevent their kids from becoming addicted. A TV spot
would be like this:
Its early in the morning, and ex-House
Manager Asa Hutchinson staggers down the street, writing the word subpoena on old
newspaper pages. He thrusts them at passersby, yelling, "I was a House Manager!
A disheveled, unkempt, wild-eyed, unshaven Ken
Starr rushes into the courthouse and into a judges chambers. "More
subpoenas," he screams.
Voice over: "Cant control the urge to
impeach? Cant think about anything but conviction? Isnt it time you admitted
you have a problem?"
Starr grabs the judge by his robes. "Subpoena
Monica! Subpoena Clinton! Subpoena God! He knows what really happened.
"Let our caring staff help you regain control
of your life."
In the judges chambers, Barbara Boxer is
wrestling Starr out the door.
"Just three more subpoenas!" he calls
back to the judge.
So, whats it going to be, people? Rehab with
Republicans Anonymous or more prisons?